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 Preparing for the worstKathy H. had to convince her husband, John, to take a vacation back in the summer of 1997. She wanted to fly out to Denver to spend a week with her son. The couple had often talked about making the trip, but kept putting it off. John, who maintained machinery for small factory, frequently racked up a lot of overtime and didn't think he could spare the time away. "He would work 10 – 12 days in a row," Kathy recalls. "He had an unbelievable work ethic."
After urging from his wife and daughter, however, John consented to take a well-earned week off.
It was the last vacation he and Kathy would enjoy together.
A few months later, John became ill and began losing weight. Doctors initially thought it was an ulcer, but in January of 1998, they scoped his stomach and discovered a tumor. The tumor turned out to be cancer. Because of John's young age, 52, the oncologist recommended aggressive treatment to shrink the tumor and remove it. They inserted a J-tube in his stomach for feeding, and began multiple rounds of chemotherapy and radiation. But it wasn't long before they determined that the cancer had spread to John's liver and lymph nodes. John and Kathy remained optimistic throughout the course of treatment, but by summer, it was becoming obvious that this was not a battle John could win.
After being released to hospice care for five days, John died in July of 1998, at age 53, just six months after his diagnosis, and not quite one year since their vacation.
Looking back at those last precious months, Kathy says she was in denial during much of the time. She had taken a four-month leave of absence from her work as a hair stylist. She kept thinking John would get better, and that life would return to normal. But her husband knew they had to get their affairs in order.
"John felt we should get organized," Kathy recalls. "He wanted us to be ready for the worst."
The two made an appointment with their attorney to update their wills—which can sometimes be an issue in second marriages. During that visit, John had told his wife he didn't want any extraordinary measures to be kept alive. The attorney helped them draft a living will.
And, despite John's optimism about his ability to get better, he made his funeral plans, telling Kathy exactly which prayers, scriptures, and hymns he wanted, even suggesting the name of a flutist he hoped would agree to play at his service. "He was extremely religious," Kathy explains. "His grandfather was a Baptist minister, so he spent a lot of time in church. I told him if that's what you want, that's what we'll do, and that's what we did."
When he passed away, John didn't leave Kathy with much in the way of debt, fortunately, and what little they did owe, she was able to cover with a portion of the modest life insurance proceeds.
She had to plow quite a bit of money into household projects that John had left hanging, however. Within a few months of John's death, the stove and refrigerator conked out and had to be replaced. "He was handy and he never wanted to pay to have things done that he could do—but he never got around to some of these repairs," she explains. "I also ended up needing a new roof and the chimney fixed. For awhile, it felt like I was living in the 'Money Pit.'"
And the high cost of health insurance has been a huge surprise. "When John was alive and working, he might have paid $20 a month for our health insurance coverage," Kathy explains. "Now, as a surviving spouse, I have to pay that on my own, the company doesn't provide it, and the premium has increased over the years to more than $425 a month. I make too much to qualify for state Medicaid."
But the couple's wise choice to purchase mortgage insurance when they bought their home in 1978 is something Kathy feels has been most important to her well-being and security as a widow.
"To be able to know you don't have a mortgage, that was a big plus," she says. "Working as a hair dresser, I'd heard so many stories from widows who didn't know where their next nickel would be coming from and had a mortgage due."
Today, eight years later, as she approaches her 60th birthday, Kathy continues to work part-time at the salon, now owned by her daughter. She anticipates having to work until she is 65, but will begin to collect part of her husband's Social Security benefits this year.
She credits her close friends and family members for giving her the support she needed to survive the heartbreak of losing her husband. "I have all my grandchildren, children, and step-children around me. Spending time with them is exactly what I needed to heal."
And she thanks her husband for having the foresight to prepare for the worst. "It's much easier to get through the grief when things are organized. He wanted us to be ready."
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